On Thursday, July 27th, my dear friend and Forgotten Voices teammate, Remmy Hamapande, passed away in Zambia after a quiet and courageous 2-year battle with cancer. I’m thankful I was able to spend time with him last month while in Africa for work and knew this day was coming, but crushed no less. I know there is hope and joy in the reality Remmy is with our Lord without any more suffering but my soul has been aching at the reality of this great loss for his wife Irene, the Hamapande family, and all who knew him. It was surreal to sit with him last month, reading the Psalms and praying over his family as he and I had done hundreds of times for people about to leave this life. Through it all, he clung to the hope and trust in Jesus. In life and death, he served the Lord with grace and love.
He loved meeting everyone and sharing the love of God with them. That was his passion. If you ever met him, even just once, he remembered you in ways I still don’t understand. I’m terrible with names and he would just dumbfound me with his memory! He didn’t just remember you, he saw you and knew you; he prayed for you. He loved you and counted each person a great joy to be with, as you revealed to him a glimpse of our God’s great love. His memory was remarkable, but his genuine love for others was even greater. Since he passed away, it’s been incredible to read reflections and get texts from people literally all over the world about this gentle giant, with a massive smile and even bigger heart; a man who loved the Lord with his whole self and wanted nothing more than to live for Him with everything he had and trust God fully. I’m so thankful to God that he gave us all a friend like Remmy. I’m eternally grateful.
It’s been 5 years since I wrote on this blog. Do people even blog any more? I’m not sure, but Remmy would lovingly heckle me over the last few years that I’m hiding and not writing anymore, so here it goes. He knew writing forced me to make choices. He helped me learn writing helped me with grief and I don’t know that I can move forward with other things in front of me until I honor my friend with something. How helpful it will be for you, I am not sure; but I need to write something.
Tears and grief have left me without words for the past few days. And that’s ok, too, as Remmy also reminded me often that it’s good to cry over the losses we feel. It gives us a longing for heaven and appreciation for the life we enjoy still, while not ignoring God’s invitation to lament.
Since he passed away, I’ve been thinking about how profoundly different my life is because God let my feet walk alongside his for a season. We’ve traveled many roads together; more than I realized: at least 8 countries together on 4 continents.
On one of our early trips together, I asked Remmy what his last name (Hamapande) means. “To clear and prepare the land for a new start.” What a fitting description for Remmy. I had no idea how that definition would apply to our friendship and ministry work together.
Through Remmy, many new things were cleared and prepared for a new start, with his smile breaking the ice and his wisdom forging the way forward. Forgotten Voices started its work in Zambia, then later into Malawi, under his leadership. He helped World Without Orphans expand their work to influence pastors and believers across sectors around Africa, then the world. He inspired the CDC and researchers at Oxford to consider how to respond to the threat of double orphans amidst COVID-19 (featured in National Geographic). So many others!
Remmy helped me learn many things: how to raise chickens, how to kill a goat (though after years of asking, he never let me do it rightly believing I wasn’t ready), raise corn properly without much space, how to be ok laughing while crying – to enjoy life even amidst sorrow all around, how to be faithful when your soccer team is consistently under-performing, how to be a husband and friend, how to ask questions, and on and on.
Remmy did so many things for me and Forgotten Voices. Here are just a few:
- Built trust and credibility as well as steadfastness to our approach. Remmy is a former banker; a risk assessor with Barclays and then was called by God to leave his job to instead go to seminary to serve the Lord as a children’s pastor. When we met Remmy and Irene, he was finishing up seminary. Hiring Remmy to lead our work in Zambia was a game changer. Some people (perhaps most) were super skeptical about the idea of letting local churches create their own custom plans for orphan care. Though Remmy and our team believed wholly in it, many had doubts. But after meeting Remmy and learning about his background, people bought into our approach and didn’t just buy in, Remmy humbly changed the way they think about orphan care and the role of family strengthening, rather than a western, orphanage-based approach that was (and arguably still is) dominant. Without Remmy, Forgotten Voices would’ve been a well-intentioned dream. He gave it wings; for our donors, our Board, and our staff, including me. The fact that Remmy believed in our approach helped me believe in being faithful to it when I didn’t want to see people struggle to figure out how to stand on their own; he pushed me and us to be patient. We evolved and matured over the years – and are still doing so – but the right ingredients are there in large part because of Remmy.
- Grounded me without stifling me. Whenever I had a new idea or we’d be traveling together and I learned something new (that commonly he had known for quite awhile and I was my usual late to the party), he would encourage me to dream and talk it out. He helped me grow a deeper faith and trust God more. Whenever I needed correction or challenge, he always was gracious to tell me (and/or occasionally quite directly/sternly) in ways that our best friends can.
- Honor God, not just grow fast or be efficient. As a former risk assessor, he cared about excellence and a good return on investment, but he didn’t want metrics to get in the way of waiting on the Lord, trusting the promptings of the spirit, or the possibility that we were totally wrong. He cared about best practices, but he cared far more that our work (and our interactions) were aligning with God’s desire for us, even if we couldn’t explain it yet. He helped us make radically different choices sometimes than I would’ve made on my own; a fact that is a saving grace for many of our partners and families we serve.
- Sustainable friend and teammate of God. Remmy taught us how to grieve and enjoy life at the same time. He taught us the value of retreats, of getting up earlier to spend time with the Lord, of being unafraid or unhindered to admit what we don’t know in the face of pressure to have an answer right now. He helped me and us realize being faithful to God means enjoying the good days without trying to sweep hard under the rug or stuff them away in the junk closets of our hearts, but to bring them out and put them on the table together; holding them up and talking about them, then together bringing them to God to help us figure out what to leave at His feet and what to deal with intentionally one by one that must stay with us.
One of my all-time favorite memories that I think captured his humble heart was originally triggered by my genuine frustration. On one of Remmy’s 1st trips to the USA, we were speaking somewhere and when it was time for Q&A and chatting with Remmy, someone asked/remarked, “Remmy, isn’t it so fortunate that you get to have this experience of coming to the USA?” This kept happening over and over, as we traveled around.
Here was Remmy. An immensely qualified person in every way, spending time away from his family to share life lessons with us. I was incredulous as I watched Remmy humbly respond over and over with, “Yes. I’m so fortunate to meet you and spend this time learning about God with you and how we may use our talents for His glory.”
After one of these speaking engagements, I was apologetic and frustrated by the reception and repeated condescension (in my eyes). He lovingly stopped my exasperated rant by putting his hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye and said, “Ryan, what I said is true. We do not obey the Lord to be received and praised by man. Each of us is learning to follow the Lord. We love others and genuinely seek to learn from them as a ministry of reconciliation and because you and I have a lot to learn.”
This wasn’t the 1st or last time he took me back to the woodshed by giving me a hug. He was a really great corrector; faithfully helping me look to Jesus and worry less about others. Even a couple months ago, amidst his battle with cancer, he rightly corrected me on something. We all need friends like that.
Remmy had a way of putting others at ease, even at times when he was the only one new to something because he had his eyes on heaven. Each day and each circumstance he found himself in was a new opportunity to grow and learn in service to the Lord.
Here are some lessons I learned from Remmy:
1. Get up earlier if you know you’re going to have a hard day. After a few days of doing house visits and watching people about to pass away, as well as interacting with kids about to lose their parents, I found it remarkable how Remmy was smiling at each new person and filled with such hope, ready to give again and again to others. I was spent, frustrated, and empty of joy. When I asked where his joy comes from, he simply smiled and told me that he knows he is by God’s design someone who loves to love others. But he does not have the living water that’s needed, though God has designed him to give love away. So, the ONLY way to do it is to drink from the fountain of life. He has to read his Bible every day before he even uses the bathroom. Then, spend more time with God after that. If it’s going to be a hard day or you fear it will be, get up earlier. Nothing besides God can give you what you truly need.
2. Love your family. Remmy loved Irene and his entire family. On my last trip, I saw up close how 13 relatives living together to help care for Remmy was a beautiful picture of Remmy’s passion for family. Work will always be there and it’s good to work, but take care and love your family.
3. Worry less about comparison and rejoice at glory to come by loving now. One time Remmy and I were invited to speak to some wealthy donors and this gathering of people was going to be at a place that I feared would make Remmy uncomfortable. The grandness of the place was just a lot and I didn’t know how he would do. After day 1 of the event, I tried to debrief the day with him and see how I could set him up him up better for day 2. He just started laughing at me in ways a dear friend can. Frustrated, I told him I didn’t get the joke. He said, “Ryan, you don’t need to worry about me. I know these people have riches and wealth beyond comprehension. But compared to what we will all enjoy in heaven in the company of the Lord, the difference between them and me is too small to worry about for even a moment. Let’s work to show them Jesus’ love and practice for heaven.”
4. Invest in vulnerable children and widows. Remmy would often remark that James 1:27 is a gift in that it clearly states what God’s definition of true religion is and how we should live.
- As I dropped Remmy off to fly back to Zambia after his 1st ever trip to the USA, I asked him what his main takeaways are from his time with us. He shared 2 things:
- The USA is a land of extravagant options, then lamented we must get tired by simply having so many choices and
- He said it wasn’t until coming to the USA that he realized American Christians chose not to help orphans and widows. In Zambia, 75% of all Zambians are caring for at least one child biologically not theirs and less than 1% of Americans are doing the same. He knew we lived differently, but thought we, too, were doing all we could to care for orphans and widows, but simply didn’t have more to give.
- That conversation widened our sense of calling together and grew my love for the Church. While Remmy cared for widows and vulnerable children, his remark showed me he was also broken-hearted that American Christians (and all Christians) weren’t aligning with God’s desire for our lives. Inviting them into Forgotten Voices had just as much (perhaps more) importance to align with God than grow a ministry to reach more vulnerable.
- Forgotten Voices will surely have a better number, but through his life, he impacted over 10,000 children and widows. Likely, hundreds of thousands of more through the WWO, CDC, Oxford, and many others who loved differently after meeting Remmy. He’d want me to add, though, it was God through him. He loved each one.
5. Don’t forget to smile. There is suffering and there is joy, but we get to have today so that is something to smile about (I’m thinking about this one a lot lately; that you and I get to have today.)
6. Listen 1st. Remmy was a great listener. What a great gift for a verbal processor like me, but an even greater gift was his patience with me to help me learn how to listen to widows and vulnerable children. In a hut or a board room, he would give me a great, patient, loving smile to remind me to listen 1st even when people asked me to speak 1st. In his last days when his words were starting to be a struggle, we joked that I always did most of the talking anyway.
7. Encourage others in their walk with God. Remmy wanted people to be rightly aligned with God – to worship Him alone. I was so afraid to call him to tell him I was leaving Forgotten Voices to become a pastor. I knew it was right and good, but Remmy had always talked about our friendship as that. Two friends, not co-workers. But when I told him I was leaving my staff role, he said, “Ryan, I know you to know God’s voice so I join you in praising God. I’m sad to hear this, too, but I want what God wants for you, always. No matter what.” I hope and pray I can grow to be like Remmy. He always cared most about people’s walk with the Lord.
8. Say YES to God 1st; figure it out 2nd. In strategy meetings about work matters and in private conversations about longings of our hearts, Remmy’s posture was always toward saying YES to God when he calls. We’ll figure it out best by saying YES first. Our job isn’t to know how God will write the next chapter or even the next phrase. Obey first. He will make a way and write a better story than we could hope or imagine, come what may.
Remmy was a dear friend, who God was kind enough to let me travel with for a little while. There’s been no one besides my wife that I’d jump into a gorge with, trusting the road will always be better with him than without him.
As I left him on my most recent visit, I got to kiss the top of his head and pray over him, reminding him what so many think of him — a trusted friend, precious brother, an encourager, and on and on. But, above all else, I told him on behalf of all who knew him that he had served the Lord well and spent his life on the Gospel. He had run a grand race, with Jesus at the helm, modeling for us all what it means to live well – all for the glory of God.
As we often did when we left each other, I told him I’d see him in heaven, if not again on earth. I’m so glad he has no more suffering and no more pain. I’m still fighting through tears as I write that deep truth I believe fully, as I celebrate his life and long to be with him and our Savior, while at the same time committed to embrace the joy I have that God has given each of us today.
Remmy loved you, even if he didn’t meet you. I love you, too. Most importantly, so does the Lord. May you experience the peace that comes from knowing Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Please do let me know if you want to talk about that. Remmy spent his life on the peace that comes from knowing Jesus and Remmy’s life was a life worth emulating.
-Ryan
p.s. for the super readers who made it this far, below is a fun blog post entry from from October 2010 as I waited outside customs for Remmy to come to the USA for the first time. I had no idea what was in store for us all!
“As we wait just outside customs for Remmy to walk out into the USA, more than excitement fills my heart. I’m definitely pumped to see one of my closest friends in the world. No doubt. But I’m also full of anticipation for what God is going to do over the next 3 weeks with and through Remmy.
Wait till you see this guy’s smile. He fills a room with warmth without trying. God has uniquely gifted him to serve and love children in oppressive situations. I get to go to Africa and leave to come back to share stories from him to you all, but Remmy is always there. Now he gets to come share his own stories in person.
Remmy is a game changer. God is doing great things through him. His last name, Hamapande, means to clear and prepare the land for a new start. I wonder how many hearts and minds he’ll renew. How many people who will renew their lives for God. How many will dedicate themselves to listen to their neighbors, to live more fully after meeting him.
My worldview has been expanded and enriched by Remmy. My prayer of excitement and anticipation is that as you pray for Remmy’s trip, pray also that your heart would be clear, open and prepared to be renewed by what God has for us through Remmy.
Any minute he’s going to arrive. I’m giddy with excitement and anticipation. Pray with us.”
Fun gallery of photos:
The ooze coming out of the blisters on her arms make me cringe and look away. It’s a natural response for any person, even if I’ve seen the same wounds hundreds of times now on hundreds of people. Her children race in and out, chattering quickly in a language I don’t truly understand. Normalized by the scene that plays out for them every day, the kids go straight to their aunt, who is caring for their mom – just half asleep there, hurting with a pain I can’t take away, nor look at without wincing.
At the end of the flight, all the passengers on the plane were in a rush to somewhere. As usual, people crammed the aisle and pushed forward.
Dear Tired, 